A few years later...

the needle bw
Originally uploaded by phil32581

I returned to the Sangre de Christo Range last weekend to complete some unfinished business. This peak (Crestone Needle) has been the bane of my existence for three years. I have tried it once a year for the last three years without victory. This weekend was different. I finally stood atop my 45th fourteener.

At times in my life it is hard for me to feel God's delight in me as His son. I understand that His love for me does not change, but my ability to be in touch with that fluctuates. Particularly when things don't go to the plan I imagined or hoped for, I wonder about His love. It is in these mountains that I regain the knowledge and feeling of His delight in me. Sometimes I picture Him creating these peaks thinking specifically of me and the day that I will climb one and praise His name with those with me. I return down to earth and hold on to that feeling and knowledge in the hopes that I can feel and know in the mundane, everyday experience that I take for granted.

A few years later...

the needle bw
Originally uploaded by phil32581

Elephants never forget (thanks to Anthony for passing this along)

Elephants Never Forget

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly .

Probably wasn't the same elephant

What does it mean to love someone?

I have wondered this most of my life, and will probably not get it right the rest of my life: so I'll start with that disclaimer. I have dated a lot of women, who are initially attracted to me, at some point claim to love me, get close to me then leave. I have noticed this recently in terms of relationship dynamics. Initial attraction wears off once one has faced the reality of the person they claim to love.

Most people would say that I come across as a confident person. It is a reason most women I have dated say they were attracted to me. I am not a confident person. There, we have diffused that altogether. I am an insecure man who puts up a front of confidence (or reads enough to appear competant) to compensate for my (at times) overwhelming sense that I am completely inadequate. I am not in the best shape (although I do exercise), I am losing my hair (even though I am only 27), I am intimidated by better looking men (which usually comes out as me challenging their intellect).

I don't show that to people straight away however. And perhaps the solution is to hang this blog around my neck so that the truth is out there if anyone cares to read it (which this blog is an interesting experiment in and of itself). I have trust issues just like everyone else. I think working with troubled youth has only reinforced those trust issues to some extent. My insecurities will come out, but can I be like everyone else and be allowed them.

I suppose I bring this on myself to some extent. I don't allow anyone to see that I am human, and they assume that I have no problems (or that my problems are inconsequential at best). So when I finally let my guard down, SURPRIZE!!! I am human!!! I don't know why I have a hard time letting anyone in right away, but I wish that when I did decide to, they would consider staying for a while.

tent life continues... with a new addition.

Okay, I know that I haven't exactly been keeping this up. Sorry about that. I am still tenting it up. It has been a cold winter and I have taken a couple weeks off to house break my new puppy before bringing him into my expensive tent where I sleep. He is a pure-bred Golden Retriever male named Tenzing. He is named after the Sherpa mountaineer who assisted Edmund Hillary to the top of Mount Everest in 1953. My hope is that he will be a great trail partner and friend.
Tent life, in response to one of my readers, is my choice for a year to live more simply. I have saved some money, but that is not the point of this experiment. It has been difficult, and at times, inconvenient. I have learned a lot about myself in the process, especially what I truly need and what I don't.

Wetterhorn Peak and Mt. Sneffels

I climbed both this past weekend. I took pictures. My camera lost them. I am not happy about this.

The "Deadly Bells"

So the time had come to move on to the Elk Range. I have skipped it thus far beacuse they have a reputation for being pretty difficult technically, and have been known for the rockfall. My friend Mike Benham and I decided to have a go at the Maroon Bells, and completed them both on July 1st. It was a very steep climb up the North Bell, with some class 4 climbing as well as plenty of loose rock. No close calls with the rock, and we madethe first peak with no problem. The traverse on the ridge between the Maroon Bells is reputed as difficult and dangerous. We rappelled twice and did had some sweet class 4 moves with alot of exposure. but again we made our second peak. The closest call was when Mike (accidently) kicked down a rock the size of my head and I had to run a bit to the side to avoid being hit. Other than that it was a great time. Check out some videos of me rappelling and signing the register in the new section of my links titled "my videos".

Handies Peak, Uncompahgre peak

This weekend I climbed a couple more fourteeners, this time with my cousin. I stood on top of Handies Peak Sunday morning, and I ascended the sixth highest peak in Colorado, Uncompahgre, Monday morning. This means that I have now climbed the fifteen highest peaks in Colorado bringing my grand total up to 39 of the 54. I read this recently:

Why We Climb Mountains

You cannot stay at the summit forever.
So why bother in the first place?
Simply just this:
What is above knows what is below.
But what is below does not know what is above.
One climbs.
One sees.
One descends.
One sees no longer,
But one has seen.
There is an art to conducting oneself
In the lower regions,
By memory of what one has seen higher up.
What one can no longer see,
One can at least remember.

- Renee Duval
I love this quote. I typically like to do these peaks alone. I am happy to join others, or have others join me, but I love the time I get to "see" when I am alone. As the late Anatoli Boukreev once said, "from the vantage point of their lofty summits, I view my past, dream of the future and with unusual acuteness I experience the present moment."